This past week in the Big Ten told me a few things: 1) The football gods hate Pat Fitzgerald 2) Michigan State is a legitimate threat to ruin Ohio State’s perfect season in the conference championship game and 3) Ohio State, Wisconsin, and Michigan State are head and shoulders above everyone else in the conference at the moment.
I’ve decided to have some fun with this week’s power rankings, so each team is compared to a popular character from an 80’s movie. What 80’s movie character does your favorite Big Ten team most resemble? Look no further than this week’s power rankings.
1. Ohio State: “Maverick” from Top Gun
Maverick flies with reckless abandon because he knows he’s the best. Some say he’s still mourning over the loss of close friend “Goose” (Jim Tressel) whom he went into battle with. However, under new leadership, he finds himself and realizes he is still an elite Naval Aviator Lieutenant. Maverick has found a way to put the past behind him and move on and now he’s bigger and better than ever.
2. Wisconsin: Dell Griffith from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
A popular shower curtain ring salesman, who would’ve thunk it? He’s an affable fellow and always up for a good time. However, he’ll wear you down over time. After spending time with Dell, you’ll be exhausted both physically and mentally. He’s overweight and doesn’t impress at first sight, although he’s smarter and more impressive than he looks. He’ll get on your nerves over time, but you’ll a new found respect for him.
3. Michigan State: The Terminator
This T-800 cyborg from the future has been sent back in time to kill Michigan. Mission accomplished! In fact, this machine will kill everything in sight. Don’t think you can escape him. He’ill track you down and make your life miserable.
4. Minnesota: Scott Howard from Teen Wolf
Scott has undergone a major transformation recently. Going from a short, mediocre basketball player to a beast. Scott is doing things he never imagined. He found out from his father that this beast is a part of his family’s past and that he needs to embrace it.
5. Michigan: Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
Francis struggles with a false sense of entitlement. He thinks everything belongs to him because of his family’s name.
6. Nebraska: Lisa from Weird Science
Yeah, she was really hot in the 80s. She was created to be the hottest thing in her decade and mission accomplished. She doesn’t look as good in 2013 though.
7. Penn State: Judge Smails from Caddyshack
Judge Smails used to rule the roost before a nitwit took him down. Now the Judge has a long way to go to regain his status as Club President.
8. Iowa: Mick Dundee from Crocodile Dundee
Most take Mick lightly because he appears to be a simpleton from the middle of nowhere, but he thrives on being the underdog. If you tangle with him in the Outback, you have almost no chance.
9. Northwestern: Ronald Miller from Can’t Buy Me Love
Ronald was a very good student who became extremely popular. His rapid ascent to popularity has been questioned by many. He was recetly exposed as still being a nerd.
10. Indiana: Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction
She was attractive and mysterious earlier, but she’s recently been exposed as a lunatic. Stay as far away from her as possible.
11. Illinois: Dudley “Booger” Dawson from Revenge of the Nerds
Booger Dawson has picked his nose every day for the last 20 years. The highlight for him in that time frame was winning the belching contest at the Greek competition.
12. Purdue: Chunk from The Goonies
Poor Chunk! He’s a nice, lovable fat kid. He’s easy to tease, but has a big heart, and makes lots of friends. Just needs a little more self confidence.